Douchetooth Headsets

Welcome to the inaugural edition of the recurring post entitled "Don't Be A Douche." In these posts, we'll take a critical and often hilarious look at what makes someone a douche. Why not "douchebag", you ask? It doesn't have the same brevity and bite. That extra syllable takes away from the effect. Plus it's easier to substitute "douche" for other words in order to describe something douchey. See "douchetooth," "douchedo" or "douchesite". (A titalizing preview of future posts!)

So now on to douchetooths. Have you noticed the recent trend where people wear their bluetooth headsets CONSTANTLY even if they aren't currently using it for a phone conversation? That, folks, is the epitomy of douche-iness. A recent trip to a certain Swedish furniture store in a certain suburb was the perfect opportunity to see this breed of douche in its natural habitat. (The suburbs are, in fact, a great place for all breeds of douches...sorry to those of you that live in the 'burbs!)

Why the hell do people think this is acceptable? Is it supposed to make them look important? Like I see them and say, "hey, that guy must be so important because he is expecting so many phone calls. He must be an important business guy. Wow, I wonder what pressing matter is so important that he can't take the time to grab the phone out of his belt clip and answer it." (Note that wearing your phone on a belt clip is also douchey.) Or is it simply that they need the use of their hands so desperately? Free fingers to pick their noses? Free to smack their douchey children running around like brats in public? One of the major problems with this is that it makes these douches think, "hey, since I got this thing, I can talk on my phone in public more often! Sweet! On the bus! On the train! In line for the ATM! Checking out at the grocery store! At the movies! Thanks, bluetooth!"

This seems to be a phenomenon predominately amongst men. It's almost as if it's their latest fashion accessory. Sadly, they don't realize that it makes them a douche. Luckily it's comic fodder for the rest of us if not also more than slightly annoying. Even if they stopped wearing them, they'd show their douche-iness in other ways. Once a douche, always a douche. You can't teach an old douche new tricks. You can lead a douche to water but you can't make it drink. A douche does not change its stripes. And...I'll stop there.