People of the iPod generation: many of you have probably forgotten what the world sounds like. I'll refresh your memory with the things that I have once again heard these past two days. I heard a woodpecker this morning. Oh nature! Of course, it was pounding away on some house and as they aren't housepeckers, I assume the poor creature did irreparable
damage to his/her "pecker" and is now starving to death. And its poor young ones, who rely on regurgitated worms for sustenance, probably won't survive the cold Chicago night. I can see it now...mama woodpecker comes home and tries to explain things to little Margot and Jareth (she's of that generation that wants to give their children unique, modern names). "Pfhey guyfs...phmaphma's goph's phome baph phnewf...phno dinnerfph phtonigph."* Oh the consequences of man versus nature! So sad! I'm also finding out so many things about Chicago! Did you know that they actually have some voice that announces the stops on the red line? It's true! You don't have to count the number of stops or frantically look out the window for familiar landmarks.
Also, the guy that lives off of the Thorndale stop is really excited that his friend is in town and tonight they could go to dinner and then an "art performance." What's an "art performance"? I want to know! I picture a naked man driving nails through his penis while reciting a poem about why modern man is "isolated by crowds", an original minimalist "piece" he recorded on his keyboard being looped in the background. Oh hipsters (pictured above)! And did you know George W. Bush's daughter rides the red line on occasion? That's right! She called him while on the train. She had a phone so small I couldn't see it. It looked like she was just talking into her hand! (Amazing the technology you get when you are related to "the Decider".) They had a conversation about how she predicted 9/11 (which, of course, was caused by the gays!) and then she was talking to him in code. "Cookies and milk, cookies and milk, cookies and milk!" must be her "safe" phrase with the secret service.
And have you ever read "Streetwise"? I'll bet you've missed out on that opportunity because you never heard the calls of the people on the street! Let me tell you...biting, critical journalism is contained within those pages. I'd highly recommend you pick one up today. They are only ten dollars! Sometimes they sell the Onion along with this fine paper. But when did they start charging $5 for the Onion? Oh well, worth every penny! Although I'm still waiting for my change from the $20...
On second thought, I want my freakin' music back.
*"Hey guys...mama's got some bad news...no dinner tonight" through a broken beak
2 comments:
It always seems like an ETERNITY between his posts, but he never disappoints, does he, America?
NO! My GOD, Paul, that was OUTSTANDING. I even read a portion of it to Dave (who, as he reminded me, is very busy!)
Esp. the part about the woodpecker.
I heard one the other morning, too! On metal! My former mom used to be plagued by one, so she studied up and learned that they do, purposely, pound on metal during the mating season because the louder the better (I assume volume = size, or the woodpecker equivalent).
And, I appreciate the essay-like quality of your post, addressing the iPod generation and all that.
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