Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Bus Plague

I don't know what it is about me, but it seems that the oldest, smelliest, most horribly dressed man always finds his way to the seat next to me on the bus.

Case in point: this morning. I get on the bus at the beginning of the route, and I take it all the way to work (which is close to the end of the line). This man sits down next to me at about the third stop. I wish I had been brave enough to take a picture of him with my cell phone. There's no way I could possibly describe him, but I'll give it the old college try! He was wearing the dirtiest messenger bag I have ever seen. He had on a disgusting brown acid-washed leather jacket with an elastic waist. He had unkempt hair sticking out of a filthy blue winter cap, and unruly sideburns. His shoes were completely tragic and could not ever have been in style. His pants were dirty, but not pleated (shockingly enough).


He settled in, with elbows flailing. He coughed pretty much non-stop for our entire trip. I can only assume he had tuberculosis or that he's smoked 14 packs a day for the last 60 years. Judging by the foul cigarette odor coming from his person, I'd say the latter is very likely. When he first started to cough, he was kind enough to cover his mouth. By the end of the trip, he was hacking up a lung in my lap. He did not get off the bus until about three stops from mine. I'm sure I smell like him. I don't know how I couldn't being that close to him for nearly an hour.

I do not understand people that smell. I refuse to leave the house before showering, and I try to look as though I have thought about my outfit at all times. I use several dozen personal hygiene products, and I wash my clothes regularly. I was under the impression these were common practices. All I want is for people that sit next to me to be (1) smartly-dressed, (2) silent for the entire trip, (3) without disease, and (4) clean. Maybe I should start carrying a large bottle of Febreze in my bag so that I can mace offensive people with it each morning. I'll bet other passengers would thank me.

3 comments:

SIP said...

hahahahaha

Oh, god--I hear ya. I get the smellys next to me, too. And the coughing! Oy!

I mean, there's Larry--the guy who lives outside and on the greenbelt across the street from work. He lives outside and yet always looks (relatively) clean.

I guess some people care and some people don't. Or they make it an affront to society. The society that's totally screwed them over and ostracized them. In that case, you have to kind of admire it as a form of non-violent protest, right?

Maybe not.

Laura said...

Is your "all I want" list in order of importance?

Anonymous said...

No, it is not in order of importance. Being a germophobe/hypochondriac, it should go disease-free, clean, silent, smartly-dressed.