People ask me why I think that I have the diplomacy skills my opponent lacks. I think my record clearly speaks for itself. I have talked down butches from fighting in fountains. I mended fences within the community in the aftermath of a pride float gone awry (too much baby oil). And I will never forget the time that I stopped the violence from escalating when an angry, drunken drag queen went all Joan Crawford at Kit Kat.
It was a warm August evening back in the summer of 2006. The evening started off pleasantly enough. After a hard parallel parking job, we got out of the car and quickly had to duck and run for cover as MAC nail polish, surgical tape and size 14 stilettos flew at us. A flat-chested drag queen with ripped fishnets and no shoes could be seen standing on the corner yelling at passersby, asking "Which one of you *expletive deleted* took my birdseed?!"
We were supposed to enjoy dinner and martinis on the patio but under the circumstances, they moved everyone inside. After we were seated, our orders could hardly be heard as the drag queen, Talula Choksondic, straddled the bar, pounded on her chest and shouted, "No show tonight, MFs! I ain't got none of these. MFs stole my birdseed!"
I knew something had to be done. I had just stopped at the pet store to get C & S their food. With Nutro bag in hand, I took a deep breath and entered Talula's dressing room. The look she gave (a cross between Cruella De Vil and Chris Crocker on YouTube) upon seeing me would have stopped many, including my opponent, dead in their tracks. But I calmly filled her nylons with Nutro and demonstrated that while they might prove a bit lumpy, they would suffice for the evening. The show went on and the crowd was delighted by her stirring performance of "Umbrella".
So I ask you, when that Crackberry vibrates at 3 a.m. and word gets out that there is a queen in need of falsies, who would you trust to pick it up?
4 comments:
What. Is this Paul's working with creative writing series? Is this an obscure reference to something? When did I lose control of the blog?
I... don't know. It says it was this MORNING that he posted. We DID go out last night, so a drunk blog post is always a possibility, but not at 10am!
OH WAIT! I GET IT! NOW IT'S FUNNY! Ok, so see... This is a very exaggerated version of last night's events at Kit Kat. Similar to HC's enormous lie about her foreign policy experience. Paul's funnies make you think!
The actual events are MUCH less interesting. Trust me. Though a drag queen did perform. And we did see her butt crack.
Ohhhh... ok. I get it, too. It's just that... I think what you REALLY needed was a picture of you and your opponent at podiums with your hands in an expressive pose to make it come together. Maybe spend a little more time workshopping, Paul. I mean, I know we have a daily deadline and all, but...
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