The Park Ranger David Referred To In The Last Post

This post would be so much better if I could track down a picture of Jan Hooks as the park ranger at the Alamo from Pee Wee's Big Adventure, but alas--some things simply do not exist on the internets.

So. When P&D and I arrived for our first tour at Mesa Verde, a large crowd had already settled in under the shade of a small awning. The park ranger who would lead our tour could be overheard telling a few fellow tourists of some of the challenges of being a tour guide.

[Picture Marge Gunderon from Fargo in stature, talkativeness and accent.]

"Oh yeaah... I have to be prepared. I've had two people *holding up two fingers* die on me. Oh yeah. DIE. These hikes can be strenuous, you know, especially for people, you know, from out of state. Each time, they came up from the hike and they were GRAY, their skin *touching the skin on her face*, their hands *touching her hands* - gray."

I think I rolled my eyes at one or the other of P&D like, "Look who takes their job a LI-ttle too seriously".

"I carry everything in this here backpack *gesturing to backpack the size of her torso*... first aid *gesturing as if applying ointment, then a bandaid*, water *making sign for water (to be described in more detail in a minute)*, matches *making sign of rubbing 2 sticks together*... you name it."

She then loudly called the group to order. A few people started walking away, so she called out to them. They obviously didn't speak English as their first language, which cause her to call out even louder. It was finally determined that they had purchased tickets for the tour group that had already left and were, most likely, trying to figure out what to do amongst themselves. Luckily, our tour guide told them to come with us, turning to the rest of the group and chuckling as if to say, "Poor, dumb foreigners." ARGH.

She launched into her spiel only to be distracted by a parked car with its engine running nearby. She tried to get the attention of the adult in the car, but since the woman in the car was concentrating on FEEDING HER BABY and she had the windows up bc the AIR CONDITIONER WAS ON (all apparent to anyone who took a second to assess why the car engine was running), she couldn't hear our park ranger. So, Spunky Jo commented, "Jeez, I wish that guy would turn off his engine *gesturing as if turning off car ignition* so you guys could hear me..." A guy from the group went over and turned off the car, leaving his poor wife and child to fend for themselves inside the car in the blistering heat.

Her spiel included warnings of a 3-story ladder we'd all be climbing (*me quickly assessing how many old and fat people were in the group that might be as scared as I was about that*=not many) and the hole "the size of my hat" which we'd all be squeezing through at some point (which was, granted, a pretty large hat).Said 32 foot ladder, original to the cliff dwellings. (No, not really.)

"Are you ready to get started with our tour say yes." She gave the fat, sunburned kids she'd picked out as "special helpers" a cue and the group walked down a path towards the ladder that would take us to the cliff dwellings. We got maybe 50 feet down the path before our tour guide stopped us to educate us on the many uses of the plant life in Mesa Verde.

She gestured at a juniper tree and explained that "THIS is the WalMart and Home Depot of the Ancient Puebloans..." and yucca *gesture* "is the Walgreens". She singled out the men in the group and asked them, "If you needed wood to build your house, what wood would you use say juniper."

Then she said she needed a "young woman" to demonstrate something and singled out a woman of about 60 ("This is my 'young woman', okay? *pause for laughter of which there was none*") and explained that the bark of the juniper tree could be stripped off and used to catch baby droppings (in lieu of a diaper. Because it was like buying diapers at WalMart. Only they didn't have WalMart in 1300. So they had to use bark from juniper trees. Because that was their WalMart. Very educational). I think she also implied "young women" would use it when they had their period, but I think her "volunteer" from the audience had slowly ambled back to her place in the group by then...)

So then we FINALLY (did I mention the temperature was in the 90s with the sun beating down on us?) descended to the cliff dwelling. It was here tha she introduced us to "Grandfather" who was, from what I gathered, a Puebloan (as in, a First American from one of the modern Pueblo tribes).

I should probably interject a bit of history (from what we learned from the brochure from the park, NOT from our tour guide): the cliff dwellings in Mesa Verde are believed to have been built by the Ancient Puebloans (formerly known as the Anasazi. I don't know why the term changed. And I can only assume using the term Anasazi would make any modern-day Pueblo Indian (sorry--First American) cringe.) and abandoned by 1300 for unknown reasons.
Unexplained markings on a wall of the cliff dwelling. Now we'll never know what made these holes.

P, D &I were the only ones of the group to peer through this window and into another entire stretch of cliff dwellings that Spunky Jo never mentioned...

So Grandfather had a lot to say about his ancestors, all of which our tour guide took very seriously. Which is not to imply that I find fault with that. It's just that... old people tend to tell stories. Long, pointless stories. Of dubious veracity. And that how all of Grandfather's stories came off (through our tour guide) to me, at least.

For one thing, she had a lot to say about water *always accompanied by a hand gesture of a 'W' against her chin* It was implied that this hand gesture was taught her by Grandfather. Problem for me is--it's the same sign in American Sign Language (I took a class in college--I can actually sign that sentence). I find it UNCANNY that the Ancient Puebloans used a W to make the sign for water.

Anyways, there was a whole bunch of talk about water *hand gesture*, yucca *hand gesture* and Grandfather. What I found so annoying was (in order): the way she demanded our attention when our eyes would wander to the ACTUAL CLIFF DWELLINGS and how the content of her monologue had NOTHING TO DO with the ACTUAL CLIFF DWELLINGS in which we were standing.

At one point, she cursorily pointed to a hand print believed to be close to 1,000 years old high on the cliff wall. needless to say, it was faded and difficult to see (especially for this sorry squinter). As I was straining to see it, a fellow tourist tried to point it out to me and Spunky Jo yelled at us, telling us we were holding up the tour group. AS IF. Spunky Jenn replied that she was about to have a mutiny on her hands if she didn't let people see the hand print.

Another interjection: the cliff dwellings were impressive. The content of our tour was basically: "These dwellings are old, but we don't know much about them. So, I will compare them to WalMart, Home Depot, and Walgreens and tell you a funny story about a little old brown man who was once on my tour and spoke at length about yucca *hand gesture* and water *hand gesture*, all of which still exist around here and for which we, today, have absolutely no use for. Do you feel like you learned something on this tour say yes."

She wrapped up the tour by relating yet another story about Grandfather, this time about how he blessed the tour (? or maybe Jo?) like this. Okay, not quite, but I did laugh uproariously later when P mimicked this hand gesture as throwing up.

So. I guess the lesson for park rangers and tour guides, if they're to take my post as constructive criticism is to 1. talk about what the good people on your tour came to see; 2. don't answer your own questions; 3. don't assume we think you have cred because Grandfather blessed your tour; 4. don't use hand gestures. At all; 5. don't compare historical uses of natural surroundings to WalMart, Home Depot, Walgreens or any other place that does not make use of our natural surroundings. Thank you.


These are, I assume, smoke marks from the dwelling's ancient inhabitants showing where walls used to reach the cave wall. Also not pointed out or explained by our tour guide.