Randi Rhodes Suspended for Calling Ferraro and Clinton Wh*res

I have mixed feelings about this and wonder what our readers think? (Poll at right)

Air America Host Randi Rhodes Suspended For Calling Hillary A "Big F*cking Whore"

Air America host Randi Rhodes called both Geraldine Ferraro and Hillary Clinton "whores" in a recent appearance, seen below. Rhodes, who hosts a weekday radio show on Air America, said to the cheering crowd, "What a whore Geraldine Ferraro is! She's such a fucking whore!" She then proceeded to say, "Hillary is a big fucking whore, too" to a mixed audience reaction. "You know why she's a big fucking whore? Because her deal is always, 'Read the fine print, asshole!'"

I don't know. I mean, isn't Randi Rhodes employed as someone who gives her frank and sometimes offensive opinion? Then I wonder if I am not appreciating how the term might be sexist (not that Rhodes is sexist--she's not. But maybe she is not using the term as the general public might hear it.)? I wonder if I'd be super-sensitive if someone said something derrogatory about Obama's race. Then again, men can be whores, too. Just look at McCain BA-DUMP-BUMP!

Madonna's New Video Debuts

Since the other 2 are busy, I will post this on their behalf.


If dancing can save the world, then Madonna and Justin Timberlake may as well be superheroes: The two join forces in the feisty, special effects-laden video for the Madonna's latest single, "4 Minutes." As a giant clock offers an ominous four-minute countdown, the two cavort on cars, down a grocery checkout counter and even in a bedroom as a giant prism-like effect encroaches. The singers trade verses, dance-moves and even faux kisses in the clip. Things get hotter as time continues to fly – and the they even share a small striptease and a liplock. Just call it sexy sci-fi! Look for a cameo from Timbaland, who also appears on the song. Bottom line: We're not exactly sure what the two are battling – but never has the apocalypse seemed hipper.

Watch a Clip of the Video

(Everything on You Tube said "This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by Warner Music Group". Boo. Also, I am too lazy to look up and see if WBMG has it posted on THEIR site...)

We Can Solve It

This was sent to us by special contributor: Jill!

Join the We Can Solve It Campaign

Former Vice President Al Gore is launching a $300 million, bipartisan campaign to try to push climate change higher on the nation's political agenda.

The three-year campaign by the Alliance for Climate Protection will begin Wednesday with network television advertising that will include "American Idol" and other non-traditional shows that reach a non-news audience.

The debut ad, "Anthem," is posted here.

Pat Robertson and Al Sharpton just filmed an ad for the We Campaign, sitting on a couch on the beach. In the ad, now being produced, they say that while they may not agree on many things, they do agree that they have to work to save the planet.

A future couple in the "strange bedfellows" or "unlikely alliances" spots will be recorded soon: Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Republican former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

The campaign aims to harness the growing awareness of the climate crisis and turn it into one of the top issues on which voters make decisions.

The campaign is being paid for in part with profits from Gore's global-warming book and movie, "An Inconvenient Truth," and with the prize money from his share of the Nobel Peace Prize, which he matched.

The alliance is also raising money online through a new website, WeCanSolveIt.org.

Beast of Burden

Remember back in the day when people used to wash their own dishes?  It's TRUE, they DID!  Back before dishwashers.  Well, I just did for olde time's sake.  Really, I did it because the dishwasher was full and there were too many dishes to just leave.  Nothing makes me more angry than walking into the kitchen and seeing a sink full of dirty dishes (J and Dave).  Now my hands are all dishpanny, and I got soap suds on my sweater.  Why did it take so long for someone to INVENT the dishwasher!?

Work.

Oy vey. I'm REALLY busy this week, hence my lack of blog posts. I apologize to all of my fans. I will do my best to post something witty, timely and amusing very soon.

The End is Not the Point

Dave showed me this Trey Parker/Matt Stone video last night based on a talk given by Alan Watts (philosopher, writer, speaker, and student of comparative religion. He was best known as an interpreter and popularizer of Asian philosophies for a Western audience.)

Wayward Sunglasses

Dear P and D,

I still haven't received my sunglasses--the ones I left when I visited? Do you think something is wrong at the post office? D, would you be so kind as to inquire of your mother?

Okay, I KNOW you haven't sent them, but why not? You know that I rarely buy name-brand accessories... I NEED THEM! Desperately!

Are you holding them hostage until I upgrade my coat, purse and shoes (and socks)? I'm in the process of doing so. Promise. But, really, it's getting real sunny here and I am squinting so much, it's exacerbating my crow's feet.

Also, have you seen my jeans?

Career Watch: J

Ah, yes, it's the first of the month which means my monthly hours are due. And, like always, they suck.

For the lay people, lawyers typically bill their clients for their time via the firm. So, every month, I report how much time I spent working on each client. My goal is to bill 5 hours per day. I averaged 3 this month. The thing is, in ANY other firm, I would have to bill closer to 8 per day.

The problem, to me, is that I am not busy enough. My boss will retort that I still have stuff to do. Which is true. But it's the never-ending loose-ends type of stuff. Stuff that if all the planets aligned and everyone involved cooperated, would take me 10 minutes to finish.

A more ambitious sort would no doubt look into acquiring new clients of her own. I have two major problems with this: 1. I am not the ambitious sort. No, I am, it's just that I have never been a good salesperson and HATE having to sell myself and 2. there's not really much incentive unless I want to be partner someday. New clients bring in new money to the firm, but not to me directly. So, I would make the FIRM more money which is good and all, but... I have hobbies to keep up with.

Which brings me to the blog. Some (like my boss, if he knew) would argue I spend too much time on email, the internet and this blog which is distracting me from work. I believe that, as part of the MTV generation, I NEED the distraction. I can't remember the last time I felt productive and was only focused on one thing. Nope. If I am productive, I perform several tasks at once. That way, it feels like I am not tied to one project (opression!) and my short attention span is used to its potential.

So. Now I am trying to figure out what to do. I will have The Talk with my boss (trying to explain I need more work--my paltry hours this month do not reflect a lack of willingness to work on my part!), but I think I need to be proactive in solving this problem. Perhaps I should try to write a novel? Find a part-time job I can do from work and potentially bill through work? Or, find a new job/career altogether?

I'll keep you posted.

Earth Hour: The White House

Not that my house was completely dark--we forgot, but I know we probably had one light on the entire night anyway. Hopefully it reminded people to make Earth Hour every hour?

Earth Hour: Results

Well, I completely forgot about Earth Hour, but I think most of our lights were off anyway. There were some interesting results from Chicago. Maybe I was too quick to judge the effort. Too bad we can't do this all the time, though.

Oh my God it's hot in October

My title is funny because I say all those words funny. My results are spot on.

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Inland North You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."
The Midland
The Northeast
Philadelphia
The South
The West
Boston
North Central
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

What American Accent Do You Have?

I stole this from NoFo's blog. Shamelessly. Only these are my results. I already knew I didn't have an accent. Who-oars.

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
The West
The Inland North
Boston
North Central
The Northeast
Philadelphia
The South
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Earth Hour--Saturday

I just read about this in the Denver Post and definitely plan on participating. Had everyone else heard about it and are you planning on participating? (Poll at right)

3... 4... 7... 9... B'Day

I rarely listen to my ipod anymore. I have an hour-long commute, but I cannot listen to music and read at the same time. Why? Well, when I listen to music on the bus/train, I tend to get distracted imagining the other passengers performing to whatever I'm listening to. It's a fun game, for sure, but it keeps my mind working overtime. One of my favorites to imagine is Xanadu. Can you imagine people on rollerskates while the bus slams on its brakes to avoid hitting a car?!

This morning, I took my ipod. Every time I do, I'm reminded why I love it in the first place. One of the songs that came on was "Get Me Bodied" by Beyoncé. This is from her B'Day album (that's pronounced like "today's my b'day and I'm 29!" and not "I used a bidet to cleanse my bum"). If you have not seen the video, I need you to take a break from reading for about six minutes and thirty-five seconds and watch it. You'll be glad you did.

See? I love this video for a number of reasons, and it will tell you a lot about me:

1. OMG her dress is fantastic. And, baby got back, no?
2. I love all videos where there is snapping and ponytail twirling.
3. It is a DC3 reunion, and I LOVE DC3!
4. It is a Beyoncé review! See how many throwbacks to old Beyoncé songs you can find.
5. MOST IMPORTANTLY: I want to learn this dance so that I can perform it anytime it comes on in public.

Number 5 is a fantasy of mine with many, many videos, but "Get Me Bodied" takes the cake. There's so MUCH going on! There's hopping and snapping and synchronized everything. And can you imagine the reaction I'd get at weddings? P and I have already tried several of the moves, and nothing is easy. The other day, I tried to do the little crouched walk thing they do right before they "break it down", and I think I pulled something. I've almost got the scissor leg (touch your heel, touch your toe) down, but switching from left to right is hard.

Anyway, if any of you have how-to hip-hop dance DVDs you'd like to lend me, email me! I'll send you my address. And, once I have this down, I'll show up at one of your future events and "snap for the kids".

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...

For a brief period, I was no longer associated with the blog! I KNOW! But don't worry! I've fixed it. I switched email providers (Hotmail is SO 2000). In order to make it "official", I switched my google account to my new gmail address. So, I'm back. I'm sure that I worried those of you that keep hitting "reload" on your browser to see what blog hysteria will come next. Shhhhhhh, shhhhhhh... Daddy's back.

My Comeuppance

So, there I was, happily logging into Hotmail, clicking on "New", entering the first 3 letters of the person I was emailing (Kelly). I typed this rather long email, pretty personal. Hit "Send". Then that page comes up that confirms your message has been sent... TO 12 PEOPLE ON MY CONTACTS LIST!!!!! OH. MY. GOD.

When I went BACK to Hotmail, it was all different-looking. Apparently I had been composing my e in the middle of an upgrade. But the names of my contacts aren't even CLOSE in the list!! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN??

Assuming I will never get answers, there shouldn't be much aftermath to deal with. I had expressed my feelings about a certain member of my family (nothing she wouldn't know, but it WOULD add fuel to the fire if she knew I were expressing the same to MY FRIENDS) and, as luck would have it, HOTMAIL SENT IT TO HER. Dear God, what did I do to deserve this??

Turns out, it was her old email address, so it was returned undelivered. PHHHEEEWWWWUH.

Perhaps it's just a gentle reminder to be careful what you say. Or maybe I need to be a little less cavalier and a little more paranoid in my daily activities.

It also makes me think about people who didn't seem to care that the NSA was listening in on phone calls. You might not be a terrorist, but what if they heard something personal? Would you care about privacy THEN??

TV!!!!

I've managed to close my jaw from J's announcement re: cable. On to one of my greatest passions in life: television programming. There is a multitude of programming that I would point you to, but rather than overwhelm you, I'd suggest starting with the following. This list is not in any specific order.

1. SciFi Channel - on the surface, you're probably thinking, "sick!" But try it! I watch two specific programs religiously. Ghost Hunters (which happens to be on tonight) and Battlestar Galactica (which premiers its final season in April). I would highly recommend both of these shows. Ghost Hunters is good because it's real, and some of the stuff they find is creepy. Despite the name, Battlestar is a show that I honestly think everyone can enjoy. It's SciFi for non-geeks.
   


2. Food Network - My absolute favorite show is Healthy Appetite with Ellie Krieger. Laura and Steve got me her cookbook for Christmas, and I've made close to half of the things in it. You can see me blather on about her recipes in other posts. But, I also like Giada's Weekend Getaways.
   


3. TLC - I like a lot of the shows on TLC (mostly the ones on the weekends that deal with flipping or decorating) mostly because I feel like I am learning something for future reference. Like when I can actually afford to buy a house. But there is a lot of crap on this station, so beware! My current faves are Take Home Handyman and What Not to Wear.
   


4. HGTV - Again, lots of crap, but Property Virgins, My First Place and Deserving Design hold my attention.

Again, this is just a start. Please let me know once you have mastered my recommendations, and I'll provide others.

Keepin' Up With the Times

Dave and I got cable. Direct TV, no less. With DVR. So, I really think I will be able to stay up with the times. In fact, it's one of the Pros we listed. My fear is, however, I don't want to be a tv watcher. I've done just fine watching 60 Minutes, and the occasional Office with Countdown and The Daily Show online.
But... there are, perhaps, as have been alluded to on this blog, areas where cable is really going to improve my life.
I need help with the ol' wardrobe. Is What Not to Wear still on?
We are working on our backyard this spring--I assume there are landscaping and home improvement shows galore.
Dave and I have kicked off a healthy diet and exercise regimen. I saw "Fit TV" and YES!--we have The Food Network.
And, of course, all the music channels which I so adore.
Who knows what OTHER gems I will discover!

Clever Video

Is it possible to like these guys just because of the idea of this video? Because I do.

I caught part of this show about how they made this video. They weren't getting attention from their record label, so they made this video. The record label didn't promote the video, either, so they posted it themselves on YouTube. And there you have it. Marketing on YouTube. Who would have guessed it.

Funny I hadn't seen the video, but I've heard the song. They said 53 weeks after they released it as a single, it finally made it to #1 on the charts. Which brings up the idea... are the charts going to be as outdated as calling them "records" someday?

3 a.m. text message

People ask me why I think that I have the diplomacy skills my opponent lacks. I think my record clearly speaks for itself. I have talked down butches from fighting in fountains. I mended fences within the community in the aftermath of a pride float gone awry (too much baby oil). And I will never forget the time that I stopped the violence from escalating when an angry, drunken drag queen went all Joan Crawford at Kit Kat.

It was a warm August evening back in the summer of 2006. The evening started off pleasantly enough. After a hard parallel parking job, we got out of the car and quickly had to duck and run for cover as MAC nail polish, surgical tape and size 14 stilettos flew at us. A flat-chested drag queen with ripped fishnets and no shoes could be seen standing on the corner yelling at passersby, asking "Which one of you *expletive deleted* took my birdseed?!"

We were supposed to enjoy dinner and martinis on the patio but under the circumstances, they moved everyone inside. After we were seated, our orders could hardly be heard as the drag queen, Talula Choksondic, straddled the bar, pounded on her chest and shouted, "No show tonight, MFs! I ain't got none of these. MFs stole my birdseed!"

I knew something had to be done. I had just stopped at the pet store to get C & S their food. With Nutro bag in hand, I took a deep breath and entered Talula's dressing room. The look she gave (a cross between Cruella De Vil and Chris Crocker on YouTube) upon seeing me would have stopped many, including my opponent, dead in their tracks. But I calmly filled her nylons with Nutro and demonstrated that while they might prove a bit lumpy, they would suffice for the evening. The show went on and the crowd was delighted by her stirring performance of "Umbrella".

So I ask you, when that Crackberry vibrates at 3 a.m. and word gets out that there is a queen in need of falsies, who would you trust to pick it up?

Word to the Wise

If a woman named Sarah calls you and tells you she noticed that you are practicing in her area and she thought it would be good for you to meet and talk about your mutual practice areas, maybe over lunch since you work very close to each other? And she sounds young and happy and perky and intelligent and you think to yourself, "I wonder if SHE thinks I am young and happy and perky and intelligent??" so you start smiling as you talk and bounce in your chair a little bit bc her energy is contagious! Then you imagine she is cute, with very white teeth, nice hair and stylish clothes. And you think, "Why, it might be nice to know someone in my practice area so very similar to mine..." only you are lying because what you're REALLY thinking is, "Okay. If I get in with her, I will be able to 1. change my job; 2. go to her hair salon and 3. borrow her clothes. Maybe she'll even know the best way to brighten my teeth!"
Guys, all she really wants is to sell you something. I found out 'cause I Googled her. I mean, MAYBE she wants a new BFF, but... probably she just wants to sell me something.
*dejected*

Whip fat

So I know that it's obnoxious to order a latte or other such caffeinated beverage with a laundry list of instructions. Hell, who hasn't ordered a grande, extra hot, no water half soy, half skim chai with no whip, no foam and extra cinnamon, no nutmeg in a venti cup? (Okay, I haven't.) But it's really tiresome to have to always be on your game when you approach the counter. The performance anxiety can often be intense! Especially when there are several douches behind you that are in a hurry to get their tall decaf in a grande cup (what's the point?).

Given this, is it so much to ask the barista to assume that if I order a non-fat latte, I don't want whipped cream? Shouldn't that go without saying? I'm sorry, I can't keep track of all of the drinks that have whip and I can't always remember to include "no whip" in my list of instructions. Therefore, would any baristas reading this blog please take note. When you see me coming, I authorize a blanket order for no whip.

Come on boy, I've been waitin' for somebody to pick up my stroll

Ah hem, obviously the above picture is not mine and is owned by Madonna/Warner. Please don't sue me. I want EVERYONE to buy the album! I'm in it FOR you, Warner!

For those living under a rock (rather, for those living under a non-rainbow colored rock), Madonna's newest single is out. I'm curious to see what our loyal readers think! And, don't worry. I won't take offense if you hate it. Lord knows I think Bono is a douche, and Jenn doesn't hold THAT against me. Sometimes I think what Jenn needs is a me intervention.

Have a listen.

An open letter

Dear flamers,

We live in a time of great change. Gays, lesbians and transgender people are more visible than ever and it seems as if for the first time ever there might be light at the end of the tunnel in terms of winning equal rights in this country. Sure, there are setbacks but in the end I'm confident that we will win equal rights. People will eventually look back on asshole far right-wing conservatives that want to deny us our rights and think they were bigots. (Any far right-wing conservatives that may have stumbled onto this blog will read this as "homosexual agenda"-speak but we've already established that they are assholes.)

In the mean time, please refrain from being so GD obnoxious. Stop hysterically defending talentless pop stars and get a life. Work on a real career and don't grasp at 15 minutes of fame by being mean to egomaniacal celebrities. And please stop saying that everything is "fierce" because it's not and you're not.

Yes, you are increasing our visibility but ignorant people who want to characterize us as screaming, empty-headed and farcical queens are gaining much useful fodder. People living in BFE Kansas who have YouTube as their only exposure to gays are likely stupid enough to think that all gays are like this. (Hell, they want to teach creationism and "intelligent design" in schools so would you put it past them to believe that Boystown or Chelsea is full of flaming bitches with bad hair? [Well, they sort of are...]) They get the impression that we all act like that. In fact, most of us do not. They wouldn't be able to pick us out of a lineup.

So maybe I am bitter that there is a definite lack of non-flamer gay role models visible in the mainstream. And is it wrong to tell you queens to tone it down? Maybe. I'm not saying you should "act more straight." But come on, do you really act so ridiculous in your daily life? Isn't there some element of it just being an obnoxious persona that you project to get people to watch your video clips? Stop giving the rest of us a bad name! We aren't all so over-the-top FAB-U-LOUS (or "fierce"...douche). Those of us that aren't so stereotypical lack the egotistical desire to be so visible and hence there is no balance.

Therefore shut it. When we win the "culture wars" (which we didn't start...we are just trying to live our lives), you can be as ridiculous as you want and cry till your heart's content about people being mean to Britney. You can wear your hair as douche-ily as you want (watch for a future DBAD [Don't Be A Douche] column re: "douche-dos").

Sincerely,

P

And the winner is...

Thanks for voting! With a whopping three votes, Bookcase wins it. And yes, I know the above is a cow-shaped bookcase and NOT a fish, but I thought it was funny.

For those wondering where the name might've come from, it's a reference to an episode of "30 Rock". Great show, by the way.

Bus Plague: Remixed & Revisited

Funny enough, the same day I wrote my original "Bus Plague" post, I had something else happen. This time, I was on the train on my way home from work.

I sat down as soon as I boarded. When I did, this man asks me if his tooth is chipped. I squint at his teeth, and say, "Nope. They look fine to me." He then shakes my hand and tells me he is on his way to see his baby-momma. He asks me how his corn rows look. "Fine." He shakes my hand again.

I was hoping that would be the end of our little interaction, but I was treated to a sweeping history of civilization. During this re-telling of our planet's history, I learned that this gentleman thinks Hitler was "brilliant" and "before his time". Keep in mind that on the opposite end of my car, a family of Hasidic Jews was minding its own business. I was mortified. Then he started talking about even crazier things, the likes of which I'm sure aren't acceptable on a public blogging site. And, all of his tales were told at maximum volume. I was getting as many looks as he was because I couldn't decide what to do, and sat there with a dumb look on my face.

Looking back to my original post about the older gentleman, perhaps I was a little hasty. Sir, if you're reading this (and I know you are not)... I'm sorry. Have a seat next to me anytime you wish. Just please keep your crazy thoughts to yourself.

To Tard

I am a bit tired. I saw these on nofo's blog and then I read through them and they just got funnier.

Another Couple Reasons to Vote for Barack Obama

1. His watchability rating is the highest of any other candidate in history.*
2. He turns out goose-bump producing, tear starters like these:

"A march for a more just, more equal, more free, more caring, and more prosperous America."

"I believe deeply that we cannot solve the challenges of our time unless we solve them together, unless we perfect our Union. By understanding we may have different stories but we hold common hopes--that we may not look the same, and may not have come from the same place, but we all want to move in the same direction: toward a better future for our children and grandchildren. ...This belief comes from my undying faith in the decency and generosity of the American people."

"And for as long as I live I will never forget that in no other place on earth is my story even possible."

"...the issues that have surfaced over the past few weeks reflect the complexities of race in this country that we've never really worked through. A part of our Union that we have not yet made perfect. If we walk away now, if we simply retreat into our respective corners, we will never be able to come together and solve challenges like healthcare or education or the need to find good jobs for every American." *applause* --transcribed by me, btw

I promised myself I wouldn't cry *biting fist*, but his speech today is historic, whether you like him or not.

In it, he reminds us of the problems that confront us all:
2 wars
a terrorist threat
a falling economy
a chronic healthcare crisis
potentially devastating climate change

Suddenly what his pastor said doesn't seem so threatening doesn't it?
(see also:

Republicans: Only Our Pastors Are Allowed To Say Crazy Shit)

* What? Oh. No. I just made that up. But it HAS to be true!

I found this to be FASCINATING

It's an Implicit Association Test by something to do with Harvard (Harvard!). It has you look at pictures of the candidates (some flattering, some not so flattering) and words (like "pleasant", "friend", "hate", etc.) and has you attempt to associate the words with the different candidates. Then, it shows you how fondly your brain thinks of each candidate.

(Full disclosure: my results had Obama way on top of the "I Like You" scale, Clinton JUST above McCain and I had to scroll down TWICE to see Huckabee.)

Although... I can't imagine the results would ever come out so that you would be surprised. "Oh my gooooooddddd... I really DO like McCain!"

Take the TEST (scroll to the bottom and click on "Presidential Candidates Task" (last link)

GOOD LUCK!

Re: Magnetic Car Ribbons

Post plagiarism

I am having writer's block. I so desperately want to post something! I spent most of last night lying on our living room floor, reading this woman's blog about her kids, watching the video snippets she had posted. It was very entertaining. *insert eye rolls from most of those that know me* I wonder... could my blog posts entertain someone all night in like fashion? *doubtful*

Then I read some of this guy's. I also find him to be very entertaining. (I feel like I am introducing friends!)

Then I wondered if I could just copy one of their posts onto this one and thereby boost my own reputation here ("Did you see Jenn's most recent post? She was really on!!"). Of course not because what I love about these blogs are how unique these personalities are. I used to wonder about people who blogged (attention whores), but now I see it as part journaling (finding creative expression, practice for writing and story-telling) and part history (documenting the random happenings that make up one's life).

I think it also might be part participation. Here, all these cool (well, not all) people are blogging. I want to be part of the action! Part of the movement! And it can happen from the comfort of my own computer?! I'm THERE!

Bus Plague

I don't know what it is about me, but it seems that the oldest, smelliest, most horribly dressed man always finds his way to the seat next to me on the bus.

Case in point: this morning. I get on the bus at the beginning of the route, and I take it all the way to work (which is close to the end of the line). This man sits down next to me at about the third stop. I wish I had been brave enough to take a picture of him with my cell phone. There's no way I could possibly describe him, but I'll give it the old college try! He was wearing the dirtiest messenger bag I have ever seen. He had on a disgusting brown acid-washed leather jacket with an elastic waist. He had unkempt hair sticking out of a filthy blue winter cap, and unruly sideburns. His shoes were completely tragic and could not ever have been in style. His pants were dirty, but not pleated (shockingly enough).


He settled in, with elbows flailing. He coughed pretty much non-stop for our entire trip. I can only assume he had tuberculosis or that he's smoked 14 packs a day for the last 60 years. Judging by the foul cigarette odor coming from his person, I'd say the latter is very likely. When he first started to cough, he was kind enough to cover his mouth. By the end of the trip, he was hacking up a lung in my lap. He did not get off the bus until about three stops from mine. I'm sure I smell like him. I don't know how I couldn't being that close to him for nearly an hour.

I do not understand people that smell. I refuse to leave the house before showering, and I try to look as though I have thought about my outfit at all times. I use several dozen personal hygiene products, and I wash my clothes regularly. I was under the impression these were common practices. All I want is for people that sit next to me to be (1) smartly-dressed, (2) silent for the entire trip, (3) without disease, and (4) clean. Maybe I should start carrying a large bottle of Febreze in my bag so that I can mace offensive people with it each morning. I'll bet other passengers would thank me.

Anything but work

If this website isn't enough to keep you distracted at work, I don't know what is. It's like someone got inside my head and made a site specifically for me!

Douchetooth Headsets

Welcome to the inaugural edition of the recurring post entitled "Don't Be A Douche." In these posts, we'll take a critical and often hilarious look at what makes someone a douche. Why not "douchebag", you ask? It doesn't have the same brevity and bite. That extra syllable takes away from the effect. Plus it's easier to substitute "douche" for other words in order to describe something douchey. See "douchetooth," "douchedo" or "douchesite". (A titalizing preview of future posts!)

So now on to douchetooths. Have you noticed the recent trend where people wear their bluetooth headsets CONSTANTLY even if they aren't currently using it for a phone conversation? That, folks, is the epitomy of douche-iness. A recent trip to a certain Swedish furniture store in a certain suburb was the perfect opportunity to see this breed of douche in its natural habitat. (The suburbs are, in fact, a great place for all breeds of douches...sorry to those of you that live in the 'burbs!)

Why the hell do people think this is acceptable? Is it supposed to make them look important? Like I see them and say, "hey, that guy must be so important because he is expecting so many phone calls. He must be an important business guy. Wow, I wonder what pressing matter is so important that he can't take the time to grab the phone out of his belt clip and answer it." (Note that wearing your phone on a belt clip is also douchey.) Or is it simply that they need the use of their hands so desperately? Free fingers to pick their noses? Free to smack their douchey children running around like brats in public? One of the major problems with this is that it makes these douches think, "hey, since I got this thing, I can talk on my phone in public more often! Sweet! On the bus! On the train! In line for the ATM! Checking out at the grocery store! At the movies! Thanks, bluetooth!"

This seems to be a phenomenon predominately amongst men. It's almost as if it's their latest fashion accessory. Sadly, they don't realize that it makes them a douche. Luckily it's comic fodder for the rest of us if not also more than slightly annoying. Even if they stopped wearing them, they'd show their douche-iness in other ways. Once a douche, always a douche. You can't teach an old douche new tricks. You can lead a douche to water but you can't make it drink. A douche does not change its stripes. And...I'll stop there.

Wanted: Name for Fish

P and I just got a beta. As many of you know, we had this ginormous tank that we moved around Denver whenever we got a new apartment. Well, I decided it was WAY too expensive to move it to Chicago, so I ended up giving it away to our old landlord. But before that, I had purchased this tiny 1.66 gallon tank to transport the fish to Chicago. Before I could do that, all the fish died. So we decided to set up this wee tank finally, and a beta seemed pretty low maintenance.

Anyway, this is where you come in, loyal reader. P and I have been debating what to name our fish. I've added a poll to the blog (see it? It's right under the PD&J picture). Please respond soon before the as-yet-unnamed fish dies!

*gape*

Wait, what time is it again?

Bono + Barack

Where have I been???


Dave sent me the following:
" Wow - I've just read the best article so far about the Obama campaign. You have to check it out.

It's Rolling Stone's Machinery of Hope. Quite amazing... and a just a little inspiring too.

We are the change we have been waiting for. "

Which then got me wondering about my Dream Duo... they MUST HAVE met! Surely Bono would endorse Obama!

I don't think there's been an official endorsement (omg--I don't even know--Megan, is Bono a U.S. citizen?), but Bono DID include Barack on the cover of Vanity Fair when Bono served as its editor a year ago.

Hot vs. High Forehead

Well, Jenn's post certainly brings something to light! Our meteorologists are WAY hotter than the high-foreheaded Denver types! Take Ginger Zee, for example. The post picture does not do her justice, but if you do a google image search for "Ginger Zee", you'll see what I mean. She recently did a dance benefit. She was wearing this INCREDIBLY revealing dress, and I swear one of boobs almost flopped out! The only picture I could find of it is also in the post, but again... doesn't do her justice. She is any straight guy's dream.

Take THAT Kathy Sabine!

Nothing to Blog???

For the first time since its inception, I have let a weekday go by without posting. THIS IS HOW BLOGS DIE, PEOPLE!! I can't and won't let that happen.

Therefore, when in doubt: talk about the weather.



The weather is lovely here in Denver. It's currently 65 degrees and sunny. We're expecting it to be slightly cooler tomorrow, but will still enjoy beautiful spring weather with a high around 59.

I would have walked around today, but my back went out. I didn't do much yesterday except scrub the bathroom, which I assume is the culprit behind my misery. And miserable I am. I can't walk, sit, or sneeze without pain. And, the longer the pain has been going on, the more I am noticing radiant pain elsewhere. I feel broken. *insert picture of me stooped over with zig zags drawn above my lower back to indicate area of pain*

Well, to all our loyal readers, please stay tuned. Hopefully those bloggers in Chicago can come up with something more interesting to post.

*enraged, suddenly*

So this morning, as I was innocently waiting for the bus, I saw something that appalled me. Several highschool-aged kids get on the bus at my stop. Many times, they go to the McDonald's that is right next to the stop before boarding. This morning, I watched as one of them took the breakfast sandwich he had just purchased out of its bag and let it drop to the ground. I thought he would realize what had happened at some point, but then I saw him look down and kick the bag! He then finished his sandwich and threw the wrapper on the ground. Then he finished his drink and did the same! I was SO mad! Who do people think they are?! Like I want to see their crappy wrappers from their crappy food all over the place? And like someone else should just pick it up for them? Would you like me to come to your house and scoop my cats' poo on your bed? Cause I could do that!

I was clearly giving him the stink eye, and he saw me. He meekly bent down and picked up his trash. He then threw it in the trash can that was 5 feet away. I wanted to strangle him. I don't know how I stopped myself.

Outing P and D

For those of you who DON'T know... my grandma is 90. She's the perfect image of little old lady--the nice, docile kind. She's about 4'2", snowy white hair, glasses. She's not stooped and she's feisty enough to still live on her own.
She's known P and D for YEARS at this point. Which, admittedly, on her timeline isn't that long, but still. She has listened to me talk about them, never asking me why I didn't date one of them or why I always mentioned both of them. Once a few years ago, she remarked on the fact that they were moving into yet another apartment together and tentatively asked, "Are theeeeeyyy..." *me nervously interrupting* "Roommates? Yes!"
It struck me at the time that if I was too nervous to broach the subject, I canNOT imagine how people come out on their own.
Anywhoo, the other day I was talking to Grandma and told her I had been to Chicago to see those guys and she asked how they were doing and inquired if either of them was seeing a nice girl yet. I swear, the woman was on to me. I sheepishly told her that they are, in fact, gay. *high, squeaky voice* "Oh, didn't I tell you, grandma? P and D are gay... they're a couple." She said she didn't even THINK of that. Which, again, makes me think she was just trying to get me to admit the obvious.*

*or not-so-obvious. I didn't know for sure about Paul until I asked. And David... well.

The day the music died

So two days ago my MP3 player stopped working. It sucks but since I have no choice but to go without blessed reprieve from the annoying sounds of city life, I'm more in tune with the world.

People of the iPod generation: many of you have probably forgotten what the world sounds like. I'll refresh your memory with the things that I have once again heard these past two days. I heard a woodpecker this morning. Oh nature! Of course, it was pounding away on some house and as they aren't housepeckers, I assume the poor creature did irreparable damage to his/her "pecker" and is now starving to death. And its poor young ones, who rely on regurgitated worms for sustenance, probably won't survive the cold Chicago night. I can see it now...mama woodpecker comes home and tries to explain things to little Margot and Jareth (she's of that generation that wants to give their children unique, modern names). "Pfhey guyfs...phmaphma's goph's phome baph phnewf...phno dinnerfph phtonigph."* Oh the consequences of man versus nature! So sad!

I'm also finding out so many things about Chicago! Did you know that they actually have some voice that announces the stops on the red line? It's true! You don't have to count the number of stops or frantically look out the window for familiar landmarks.

Also, the guy that lives off of the Thorndale stop is really excited that his friend is in town and tonight they could go to dinner and then an "art performance." What's an "art performance"? I want to know! I picture a naked man driving nails through his penis while reciting a poem about why modern man is "isolated by crowds", an original minimalist "piece" he recorded on his keyboard being looped in the background. Oh hipsters (pictured above)!

And did you know George W. Bush's daughter rides the red line on occasion? That's right! She called him while on the train. She had a phone so small I couldn't see it. It looked like she was just talking into her hand! (Amazing the technology you get when you are related to "the Decider".) They had a conversation about how she predicted 9/11 (which, of course, was caused by the gays!) and then she was talking to him in code. "Cookies and milk, cookies and milk, cookies and milk!" must be her "safe" phrase with the secret service.

And have you ever read "Streetwise"? I'll bet you've missed out on that opportunity because you never heard the calls of the people on the street! Let me tell you...biting, critical journalism is contained within those pages. I'd highly recommend you pick one up today. They are only ten dollars! Sometimes they sell the Onion along with this fine paper. But when did they start charging $5 for the Onion? Oh well, worth every penny! Although I'm still waiting for my change from the $20...

On second thought, I want my freakin' music back.

*"Hey guys...mama's got some bad news...no dinner tonight" through a broken beak

Cole pooped his pants.

I really meant to post this yesterday, but two things: (1) I was super busy at work and (2) I didn't want to post it without a picture of Cole.  I can't log in to Myspace at work (where this picture is a part of my profile) because work just installed this stupid blocking software... 

Anyway, two nights ago, I awoke at 12:30am to P saying, "He'd better not have brought that up here!"  To which I responded, "What?"

P: Can't you SMELL that?

D: No *brief pause* OH GOD, YES *turn on light*

Come to find out, our beloved, long-haired male cat, Cole, had had problems pooing.  It was slightly runny, and, as a result, had gotten smeared all over his hind-end.  Well, if you've met Cole (and most of you have), you'll remember that he's a whiney baby.  He meows very whiningly whenever you pick him up, meow at him, put you hand on or near him, for no apparent reason, etc.  And, this has been upsetting Sheila of late.  I could go into THAT story, but that's for another post when I'm feeling up to it.  The long and short of it is, when he does something she doesn't like, she beats the living crap out of him.  He then hides for days on end, and we have to keep them separated until things are smoothed over.  SO, we were trying to do the clean-up very delicately.  

He would have none of it, though, no matter how careful we were.  We quickly came to the realization that (1) we needed more than a tiny sheet of toilet paper to do THIS job and (2) we needed to get him into the bathroom asap.  So, we did.  But then we realized that even large amounts of TP were having little to no impact on the situation.  So, Cole got a bath.  At 12:30am.  A groggy bath.  He yowled the entire time, and we kept shushing him (to no avail).  

Upon completion, we realized that now he was wet and would try to get on things to dry off.  Things like the bed (with the multi-million dollar coverlet from Pottery Barn that my parents got us) and the couch that we spent a fortune on.  We threw blankets haphazardly on the couch.  I then cleaned the litter box and realized C had dragged his ass across the floor.  P cleaned that up, and then we went to bed. 

The good news: Sheila didn't seem to care throughout.  I'm sure she thought it was very funny. 

Blast From the Past

iiiiiiif your monthly finances are real tight... take a minute to make it right... it's ok if you have to pout... all you have to do is go without!

Reusable Bags

I kind of hate posting bc then it edges out the last post. But, I assume one day we will attribute our blog's success to frequent posts.

In this post, I wish to tout reusable totes.

I was slow to join this bandwagon because I already tried to remember to reuse the regular old plastic bags. But usually I'd forget to bring them. Plus, they're trashy--keeping them around just looks like you're holding onto garbage.

But, when I was admonished by Paul and David in September, I decided to buy a bunch of canvas bags (Vitamin Cottage's are blue and plain and $.99 each) and try them out. I will tell you, I will never go back to plastic bags!! First of all, canvas bags (esp the square-bottomed ones) are so roomy and they hold their shape. Therefore, I probably save 5 - 10 plastic bags for every ONE canvas bag I use. People talk about not having an impact, but COME ON!! It's SO EASY!!

Plus, they look better. *appealing to our baser motivations*

Here are some other discoveries I have made:

Environmental Impact #2. I bought a reusable polycarbonate bottle to drink water out of. I don't know about you, but I love drinking out of a bottle. I much prefer grabbing a bottle of water than pouring a glass. Am I lazy? Have an oral fixation? Who knows. But having this little guy has already saved countless water bottles. Even though I used to reuse the disposable kind to a dangerous point (think: thinning, yellowing plastic).

Environmental Impact #3. I have a coffee mug in my bag at all times. I used to be a big Starbucks-coffee drinker. Not the fancy drinks, just a hot brewed coffee with room for cream. But say I went in for a cup every day during the week. That's 260 cups per year. Imagine what that would look like in a landfill! Not only that, but sometimes I'd go in for an afternoon cup or on the weekends. Sometimes I wonder if we had to hold onto our garbage for a month, maybe we'd realize how much we're creating. But anyways, I wanted to let all the fancy coffee drinkers out there know that Starbucks will make a latte in a clean mug, too!*

Environmental Impact #4. Household cleaning products. Dave and I pledged to be chemical-free by '03** and we are way behind. I was reading about getting pregnant and one of the suggestions (warnings) is to avoid household cleaning products. I think that's why I hate to clean***--because the thought of inhaling the noxious chemically smells of cleaning products is such a turn-off. So, I have started using white vinegar. It actually works BETTER than a lot of other stuff I have tried (esp for cleaning shower scum!). It does mean a little extra elbow-grease, and I can't say the smell is PLEASANT, but1. it works, 2. it's not dangerous to a fetus, and 3. who doesn't like the smell of pickles?****

*OR, if you forget to clean your mug (so I hear), they'll rinse out your mug with 500 degree water first!
**Dave and I didn't meet until '06, but '03 rhymes. Plus, it creates a sense of urgency since it implies we are so far past our deadline.
***no it's not. I'm just lazy.
****the smell really does fade. I promise.

Hope springs... attack ads?

It appears Obama decided that all's fair in love and war. Not that I'm a fan of negative campaigning, but it's a reality. Thank God he's stepping up to the Challenge.

*voiceover* Hillary Clinton won't show you her tax returns. What's Hillary hiding? Hillary Clinton: hiding her tax returns, hiding from America.

"I'm Barack Obama and I approve this message"

Obama 2008

I just wanted to post something about the primaries last night. I don't have any revolutionary insight, but I would like to post (for the world) the following:

1. I think Clinton's gains are the direct result of her negative campaign. I think that's unfortunate to say the very least. Her tactics are turning off the Dems who are paying attention. Appealing to the lowest common denominator (fear, prejudice) no doubt won the rural sections of last night's big states, but it cost her the big cities.

(For those of you who have lost track, Clinton's negative campaigning now consists of doctoring debate footage to make Obama appear blacker, blatantly lying about his actions (or lack thereof) on his Senate Subcommittee, the "red phone" ad, and various comments belittling Obama's gains throughout the primaries). And beyond all those, belittling Obama's message and charisma as "speeches instead of substance" and promising to make "hope a reality". Come up with your own inspiration, Hill. *seething as her supporters chanted "Yes We Will" last night*

2. The coverage of McCain is annoying. He hasn't won anything. He is the nominee by default.

3. I cannot believe Huckabee, a man who wants to "amend the Constitution to God's standards", received so much support. Is our education system so lacking that people forget the Constitution supports pluralism in this country? And the separation of church and state?

4. Also, my original fave, John Edwards, has yet to endorse either frontrunner. If he had, I think Obama would have done much better in Ohio. Think he's waiting for the spotlight at the convention?? Maybe the DNC will ask him to gracious speak and make his endorsement thus breaking a tie? Obama's grassroots effort and focus on the people of this country to change what's happened to this country is the most in line with Edward's populist message. To me, it's obvious.

Last night was also reminiscent of '04 (esp when Clinton herself reminded us that "Ohio knows how to pick a president") in that I was surprised and disappointed with the way people were voting. And those were all (or mostly) Democrats.

I will keep hoping for a better America, represented by Barack Obama as our President.

I'm a fat pig.

My work was nice enough to offer to buy me lunch today (see earlier post re: my birthday)! I was in process of wolfing down my homemade egg salad sandwich when they asked me, but being that I can (and do) eat just about anything, I accepted. After all, who turns down a free lunch!?

Aside: they also got me "The Simpsons Movie" on blu-ray. Aren't they nice?

Anyway, I decided on Potbelly (yes, even after I had just eaten a sandwich -- what of it?!). I ended up getting a turkey sandwich AND an Oreo milkshake. Come to find out, they use WHOLE MILK in their milkshakes! GOOD. GOD.

I don't even want to KNOW how many calories I just inhaled. Well, that's not entirely true:

Shake: 740 calories, 36g of fat (23g saturated fat -- that's 117% of my daily allowance). Not to mention all the sodium and cholesterol.

Sandwich (or, as my aunt Mary U. calls it, "sandridge"): 421 calories, 9g of fat (1g saturated fat).

So, the lesson here is, I should have stopped at the sandridge. Well, there is more than one lesson, I guess. Confucius say, stop at one lunch so your arteries don't explode.

Another year older...

Well, today's The Day. For those keeping score (other than God since I'm sure He doesn't read this blog), I'm 29 today. I know what MOST¹ of you are thinking: "STFU, David! I'm WAY older than you are!" Well, for starters, that's not a very nice thing to say to The Birthday Boy! And for secondsies, I still feel old! Remember when birthdays used to be all about the parties and getting toys?

*inserted picture of David exaggeratedly blowing out birthday candles from his seventh-ish birthday -- oh wait, Mom STILL hasn't scanned that picture so I can use it in this blog! No pressure, Mom!*

Here's the bright side: (1) Jenn posted a picture of Madonna in honour of my birthday, (2) I don't have to make dinner OR do the dishes tonight (thanks, P!), and (3) I have a large present from P to open when I go home!

EDIT: and (4) I had a fun time with friends this past weekend during which we went to Francesca's and played games. Oh, AND, Mark went home after going into anaphylactic shock re: the cats. Sorry, Mark!

Tomorrow I'll post what I got. That way, we can all celebrate materialism together. Awwww!

¹ I say "MOST" because MOST of my friends are older than I am. I like to surround myself with people who have more wrinkles than I do because then I feel better about myself.

Happy Birthday, David!

Circle Cats

Pork Medallions with Cherry Sauce

This is what P&D made me for dinner last night before they took me to the airport:
Delicious.
It was a lovely weekend. First of all, I always sleep SO WELL on their futon! plus, I got to hang out with their fab friends Mark and David and Jake and Jerad and Steve! AND, we stuck to our itinerary of Target (with a very cool shopping cart escalator), Trader Joe's, and Ikea. I had never been to Ikea before (or Schaumburg!). It was an experience. Next time, I MUST try the meatballs!
There is certainly more to post, but I'm not the one with pictures *HINT*

Another blog we like - try it!

So Colfax-Fatty-Pot-Roast-Bara-Papa Cranie turned us on to this blog:

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

I laughed out loud when I read post #75 "Threatening to Move to Canada", mostly because I've done that myself. For example, "If Mike Huckabee were to become the next president, I'm moving to Canada" or "If they amend the U.S. Constitution to define marriage as between a man and a woman, I am moving to Canada."

Also, I do love Michel Gondry! And Björk! Although I do have to say that this blog should be called "Stuff White Middle-Class Liberals Like" but that's not very catchy.

One of these days we'll have a blog that's as funny and good.

Wookin' pa angle...

I feel as if I should have an angle for my posts but the web is oozing with assholes that think their opinion is worthy of a blog regarding some shit. See Perez Hilton, Matt Drudge or Ann Coulter. And yes, I'm refusing to embed links to any of their posts from our post. Because I despise them. They can direct their ire at me if they wish (bring it on...but I doubt they would care as no one reads this 'blog).

So no, I won't be trying to make this a liberal opinion post although I will give everything my liberal spin. And celebrity gossip bores me. And the only things that I'm qualified to give advice about are boring. Free-form, meandering banter it is!

Maybe I'll find a spin soon. I can't just relay funny stories about the cats, J or D. Not that there aren't plenty of them.