Mass awareness of a certain avian variety.

I need everyone to read this.

ARE YOU AS GROSSED OUT AS I AM!?

Two quotes from this post sicken me:

1. "[The rats would] crawl up in a pillow and start pulling my hair out, trying to make nesting material out of it."
2. "But Glen had begun taking control of his life -- participating in the cleanup (which entailed knocking out sections of wall to flush out the rats)..."

Would I still watch the episode?  You bet!  And I'm going to look for it on demand the next time P is at the gym.  He won't let me watch it when he's here.  "WHY would you want to watch this??"

How does this happen?!

Yesterday was P's and my ten-year anniversary.  (No, that's not what the post title is referring to!)  We celebrated with gifts and dinner out at one of our favorite Indian restaurants.  I had the "Indian pot pie" special -- lamb and vegetables on a puff pastry crust -- and P had Kalonji Chicken.  It was yummy.  And we're pretty sure we haven't been there in a couple of years!  It may have even been for an anniversary past...  It's crazy to think it has been ten years.  That means Cole is also about ten (we got him shortly after we started dating).  That makes me sad.  But cats live a long time, right?  That also means we've been in Chicago for about half of our relationship.

Yesterday was also memorable for another reason.  This is where the post title comes in.  I managed to lose my keys somewhere in our condo.  I'm not really sure how that's possible.  We're not hoarders.  It's not as though there are innumerable places the keys could be.  Pockets of the shorts I changed out of?  Nope.  Bottom of the litter box scoopings we threw away?  Nope (and thanks to P for looking in that bag!)  I even looked in the freezer.  Still nothin'.  I know they are inside.  I needed them to get back into the building after letting Fergie out.  In the five minutes between when I came back inside and we left for dinner, they vanished.

So today, after looking in all the same places again, I went to the hardware store to get some copies made.  On my way there, I started panicking about the cost to replace my car key.  In my mind, it was playing out a lot like it did in Denver when J lost her only set of keys somewhere between the bar and the car (which was about 100 feet away from the exit).  Lucky for me, my dealer was nice enough to give me three sets of car keys.  Also lucky for me -- I keep important things like that safely locked up in my fire proof safe.  You taught me well, Dad!

This kind of thing doesn't happen to me.  I'm anal about where I put things, especially those things that are always in my pockets.  I don't think I've ever misplaced my keys.  This leads me to one of two possible (and logical) conclusions.  Either I have Early Alzheimer's (something I've assumed I have since seeing a story about it 15 years ago on "20/20"), or we have a ghost.  I'm hoping for the ghost.

I love Dan Savage!

Charlie Sheen: "I'm BiWinning"

I have largely ignored the details of the Charlie Sheen drama, but this provides a lovely summary of his recent interviews in a catchy song which is actually quite hilarious.  WINNING!

Some of the funniest sh*t on YouTube

My cousin Matt (by marriage, not blood) shared with me a couple of gems currently on YouTube.  If you have not seen them, then you can credit me with injecting these into your consciousness.  The first: an auto-tuned interview with a witness to a robbery.  So catchy, you'll be humming it for the rest of your life:

The Airport

Hello, blog.  I was thinking about you most of the weekend.  How I wanted to instantly post my thoughts as I made several insightful observations of people at the airport. 

I spent all day traveling last week, Denver to Raleigh through Philadelphia.  I think once you know flying is going to take all day, you can find this zen-like state where you are just passing the time and observing.  For the most part, I was impressed to watch people follow the rules.  We all line up, we all take off our shoes, etc., etc.  I think maybe 95% of people don't cause problems as individuals at the airport.  Of course, the more people there are, the more congestion there is, and that can cause its own problems, but those types of issues aren't attributable to any one person

But then there are those people that seem to have no sense of the impact of their actions on other people.  Like, the woman who refused to get off the phone as our plane was taxiing.  The announcement to turn off all electronic devices was made five times (I know they were addressing her).  But I could believe she couldn't HEAR the request since she was hanging onto a phone call.  But then when SHE decided to end the phone call, she was still texting and then waiting for a reply to her text.  I watched her do this even as the flight attendant made a personal request for her to turn off her phone--she pretended to, then turned it right back on to watch her text screen.  I wanted so badly to say something.  Something like, "Hey, I assume you don't believe that there is a real reason for you to turn off your phone, but I do.  And, since I'm a little anxious about being on a plane, would you mind, for the sake of my anxiety, turning off your GODDAMN phone?!"  --see, I wasn't sure I'd be able to pull off a polite request. 

She did eventually turn her phone off.  She must have been an expert in flight navigation systems, right?  Knowing for sure her phone being on was okay and all.  Of course, she proceeded to talk incessantly to her neighbor on the flight (not me).  And since her neighbor seemed interested in carrying on a conversation with this person, I decided not to let THAT upset me.  But I do want to say that the next time anyone decides not to follow the rules on a plane, I will be willing you dead.  Except not in a place crash.

That goes for the guy who, once we landed, jumped up to retrieve his suitcase from the overhead.  The flight attendant asked him to sit.  He said he couldn't--his phone was in his bag and his ride was waiting for his call.  She explained (SO nicely--God bless her infinite patience) that she needed to get to the unaccompanied kids in the seats behind him to get them off the plane first and that he needed to sit down.  Long story short: he yelled at her that he needed his phone as if it was OBVIOUS the need for urgency in this matter and completely disregarded her order.  I want to know: WHERE WAS THE US MARSHALL??  I think he thought he was perfectly justified, but all I could think was: he is blatantly disregarding an order.  If this were a fire and she were trying to direct us all out, he's be pulling the same crap and we'd all die so that he could get to his cell phone and let his ride know the plane had landed early in a fiery crash.

Oh, what else?  Oh!  The guy who wanted to be in another line in security, so crossed in front of me dragging his bag behind him.  At first I thought, "Hm.  He didn't even say excuse me" but THEN, his bag got caught on the bag of the standing in front of me and he STILL didn't say anything!  He just annoyedly looked to see what the holdup was--never looked at the guy, just at the guy's bag.

And the lady who bumped into me several times as I was sitting on a stool at an airport restaurant.  I looked to watch her mount the stool next to me and she let me know that she's "sorry, I'm just trying to sit down and keep my bag near me" which is fine and all except 1. I didn't appreciate the tone--I was perfectly nice about it, but it sounded like she was arguing with me and 2. she never LOOKED at me. 

And then the guy who held up the plane as he left his 3rd row seat and PUT ON HIS JACKET before he left the plane.  We are all watching you.  And we are all hating you.

And, finally: baggage claim.  If I am standing where the bags come out, that's my spot.  I got there first.  Just because you see your bag does not mean you get to elbow me out of the way to get it.  Just wait and the belt will carry it down the line to you.  I promise!  And parents--it's not cute if your kid is the one doing this.  Also: the rope they put in front of the area right where the bags come out?  Your kid should not be standing in front of it.  Casual observation tells you that the bags tend to come out with enough force that they could topple onto the ground right where your kid is standing.  I mean, I'm pretty sure you'd still sue if your kid got hurt which makes it all the more annoying when you giggle everytime your kid winces at the bags toppling toward them.

All this being said, it's still my belief that the vast majority of people follow the rules and are self-aware, if not always super polite.

Victoria Jackson is as dumb as she sounds

Maybe I'm late coming to this game but I never knew that Victoria Jackson was one of those ignorant, racist, homophobic, anti-Muslim Tea Party a-holes. But boy do I know that now. Watch this!

It speaks for itself. As does her shrill, high-pitched tone which everyone that watched her on SNL in the 80's thought was an act. But it turns out, it's not! She REALLY is that dumb! I would say that I will never watch one of her sketches on SNL again but now that I think about it, I can't really think of any characters or sketches she did that I thought were funny. They were all just playing the stereotype "dumb blonde". Who knew it was more than just a stereotype!?

And that's why Victoria Jackson is today's worst person. Oh wait, I'm not Keith Olbermann.